You think there is help, but there is not much out there for those who need it.

This is a sad and true statement.

 Personally, I have had my Dr. tell me that she can give me a requisition for the hospital, but she has had patient turned away, and it is not to likely I would be admitted.  I have a couple of friends who have attempted suicide, before getting the help that they needed.  The medical system sucks big time, if that is what it comes to when your down and out, no help, unless you are doing yourself in.  Thankfully those couple of friends lived.  But I also know other who did not live.  How sad this is!  My heart aches for those left behind, my heart aches for those that are gone, such a waste of life, of beautiful people.  People who have given so much of themselves for others, yet they don't see their own value.

 I myself have suffered with depression since my early 20's possibly earlier than that.  Not many people know this about me.  I am presently in one of my worst bouts of it ever.  It feels so hopeless!!!  Life looks so dark, everywhere it seems that bad thing are happening to people.  It is hard to see any light at all, when I am so low.  It is hard to go on.  For me, I will not let suicide be the answer.  Although I must admit that my thought have gone that direction lately.  I know full-well Suicide is a selfish act, and it brings with it, much horror and misery to those that are left behind.  In my own pain (though suicide may take my pain away), I can not bring that kind of pain upon those that I love so much.  But, what then . . .suffering the way I am is not an answer either.  There has to be some other way!!!  May the Good Lord of Heaven above help me through this, the pain is so unbearable at times.

I know at times, I feel like a burden to my family and friends.  I don't want my negativity to be showing to others, I don't want to burden others with my problems.  I do have those I talk to but I find myself pulling away more and more. Less and less contact with people, family and friends.  They don't need to hear my problems they have their own.  I need to be there for them.  But I am finding that for the first time in my life I just can't do it any more.  My cup is empty!!!  There is nothing left to give.  Most people have no idea what life is like when you are in this dark, dark place.  They mean well with what they say and do.  But again they don't know how to help.  They too feel helpless in the situation.  It is only by the grace of God, that I get through each day. 

I know that God Values me!

On this note I am going to sign off for today.  Hopefully by coming out of the closet, and being open with people, this blog will some how help me and others too.  My love and HUGS to all!!!